‘Boundary-setting’ is a fancy way to just say no — but it works
A boundary used to mean the fence around your garden. A personal boundary, meanwhile, was the sizeable gap you deliberately left between your chair and that of the office creep at the drunken team meal. Now, like almost everything else, boundaries have also moved into the emotional and behavioural sphere as “self-care practices” we can mobilise to support our lives and careers.
I don’t say this to mock. I am delighted that being, as they say, “intentional” with our boundaries has evolved in recent years. Last month I even spent £40 on a boundary-setting workshop led by a famous American yoga and breathwork guru. (If you aren’t familiar with breathwork — it’s amazing. But that’s another story.)
Even as an off-duty journalist, I still wrote down everything the guru said. Here’s one for free: “To create a boundary is an act of love.” It’s woo-woo, but it makes sense to me. It means that it’s a positive thing to communicate our needs to others around us before tensions escalate into rows and miscommunication, whether that’s at home or at work.
Still, after two hours, and with stiff joints from sitting on the floor, what I realised was that all boundary setting is just a fancy way of allowing yourself to say no to stuff you don’t want to do. (Please don’t @ me — I know it’s obvious, but I’m a sucker for out-there courses and therapies.)
Exceptions apply. There are times when we knowingly take on too much, to gain a new skill, secure a promotion or get noticed. If pushing yourself to your limits — and beyond — is your own choice, then you remain in control. But as Tupper points out, there will still be a cost: “Whatever it is, you always need to ask yourself, ‘If I’m saying yes to this, what am I saying no to?’”
This story originally appeared on: Financial Times - Author:Isabel Berwick
